It's Time To Duel, Kaiba!
by Seishinseii
Summary: My brother James wrote this. PG for um, references? I dunno. His fisrt humour, well, his first fic at all. About Yami wanting to duel Kaiba... I had a lot of laughs reading this, although you might not, mind.


It's Time To Duel, Kaiba!  
  
By James  
  
Authors Notes: This is a story _ I_ wrote. It's not very good, but oh well. *Sings* De de de de de de de De de de de de de de De de de de de de de *then in Waltzing Matilda tune* de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de!!!   
  
Yami: What's a script? This is stupid! *In despair* what's a phone? What am I supposed to _do_?   
  
Tristan: This script is mad! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? *Screams like a girl* AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *falls asleep, hitting his head on a strategically placed table edge. *   
  
Miscellaneous person: Am I in this story?  
  
Yami: NOOOO! THIS IS MY STORY! I'M THE STAR! Meeeeee... MEEEEE!!!!!   
  
James: Settle down, Yami! Hey, Miscellaneous person! What are you doing here anyway? You're not in this story!   
  
Miscellaneous person: Oh, must be in your sister's, then.   
  
James: *relatively calm* Oh, ok the--- AHHHHHHHHHHH SPY! YOU'RE A SPY! GET OUT! OUT I SAY! OUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!  
  
Miscellaneous person: Oh, okay, see ya! *Walks out, stepping on Tristan's unconscious face*   
  
Tristan: *moan*  
  
James: Okay, let's start the story.   
  
~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~  
  
One day Yami Yugi saw the phone. Because he was old he did not know what phones were. So he picked up the receiver and punched in some random numbers.   
  
"Hello?" Asked Tristan, who was at the hospital with Serenity. (Who was sick. But her eyes were fixed. So there.)  
  
"Where's that voice coming from?" Yami asked himself, looking around frantically. "Kaiba? Where are you, Kaiba? Show yourself!!!"  
  
"What? I'm not Kaiba! Who is this?"  
  
"Kaiba??? WHERE ARE YOU? Don't lie to me! I know you're here..."  
  
"I SAID who is this?"  
  
"It's your worst nightmare, Kaiba! Now come out!"  
  
"I told you already, I'm not Kaiba!"  
  
"It's time to duel Kaiba!"  
  
"Duel? BUT I'M NOT KAIBA!!!! You have the wrong number!"  
  
"I said: It's time to duel Kaiba!"  
  
"AAAAAAH! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" Tristan hung up, screaming like a girl. Serenity asked him what was wrong.   
  
"Some crazy guy rang up and he thought I was Kaiba! HE WANTED TO DUEL ME!!! Crazy man......" Serenity just blinked at him.   
  
~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~  
  
Tristan: *wakes up* Whe... Where am I? *Feels script in hand* what's this? This is... This is that CRAZY SCRIPT! *Screams like a girl* AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! *Falls asleep again, this time hitting his on strategically placed boxing glove. (The really really hard ones. NOT the soft ones). *   
  
James: Okay, that was not supposed to be in the story! Back to it!  
  
~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~  
  
"Sooo, Yugi. This thing on the wall... It lets me speak to Kaiba?" Yami asked Yugi, who was still in his pyjamas.   
  
"Well, not exactly. You can talk to a whole bunch of people with a phone." Yugi replied.   
  
"Sooo, this device is a phone? Ooooooh. Can you... eat it?"  
  
"No, Yami! But... you _can_ order food with it." Yugi said, putting on his custom-made fluorescent pink coloured shirt. "What do you want for lunch? I'll order something for us." Yugi took the receiver off the wall.  
  
"No, Yugi. I cannot let you do this. It's too risky. I'LL DO IT FOR YOU!!!!!" Yami snatched the receiver out of Yugi's hand and dialled MORE random numbers. [A/N: RANDOM NUMBER POWER!]  
  
~~~***~~~  
  
The phone rang over the other side of town.   
  
Yami Bakura, also new to the phone, said, "Where's that ringing coming from, Bakura?"  
  
"I'm not telling you. Figure it out on your own."  
  
"But Bakura!"   
  
"NOO! I hate you! You're wasting my life! And yours."   
  
"But the ringing is endless!!!!" Yami Bakura fell to his knees, holding his head and crying like a baby.   
  
"Figure it out on your own, Yami Bakura."  
  
Yami Bakura followed the noise to the phone, still crying. Picking up the receiver he asked Bakura what to do next. It was as though crickets were chirping.  
  
"Ah, finally, Yugi! Hello, Kaiba! I want some French fries, and it's also time to duel!"  
  
"What? Where's that voice coming from, Bakura? Where's the voice coming from?!?" Yami Bakura started to cry again.  
  
"Kaiba, you better give me my French fries... and my duel!!!" Yami said impatiently.  
  
"Yami!" said Yugi, "It's not Kaiba! You should ask who you are talking to."  
  
"Who's there? Bakura! Someone is speaking and I can't see them! Bakura!" Yami Bakura bawled.   
  
"Who is it, Yami Bakura? You're meant to ask who it is!" Bakura cried in exasperation.  
  
'How did I get stuck with such a stupid spirit in my millennium item?' Both Bakura and Yugi thought to themselves.   
  
"Who is it?!?" Both of the Yami's said at the same time.   
  
"Yugi! What the fachooja is my voice doing? It's repeating..." Yami said frantically to Yugi.  
  
"Yami! It was the other person!" Yugi snatched the receiver out of Yami's hand. "Hello? Who is this?"  
  
"AHH AHHH AHHH!!!!!!!!" Yami Bakura screamed. "BAKURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"WHAT?!?!? Gimme that phone!" Yami Bakura and Bakura had a nice big fight over the phone, ripping it in half.  
  
"Woah, the prop guy didn't give us a very good phone, did he?" Bakura said, staring at the phone.  
  
"Hi, I'm Paul." Said Paul.   
  
"Hey! Where'd you come from? And WHO ARE YOU?" Yami Bakura asked, only because he didn't know what else to say, and he didn't have no lines.  
  
"Hi, I'm Paul." Said Paul.   
  
"YOU ALREADY SAID THAT! PROP GUY! TAKE THIS SCREWY ROBOT (whose name is Paul) AWAY!!!" Bakura screamed.  
  
"Coming!" Said the random prop guy. [A/N: Randomness!] Then James, the author popped up from nowhere.   
  
"I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR THAT FAULTY PHONE, YOU STUPID, FAT PROP GUY!!!" James grabbed the prop guy by the scruff of the neck, threw him out the window (which broke because the stupid fat prop guy made faulty windows, [and because the stupid fat prop guy was fat and stupid]) and then magically disintegrated. Yami Bakura and Bakura just blinked.   
  
~~~***~~~  
  
"Hey, guys? Aren't you meant to be answering the phone? Bakura?" Yugi asked into the phone. "James! What is _up_ with this script? IT'S ALL BUMMED UP!!!"   
  
"Calm down, Yugi!!! We just have to continue with this so-called 'script'." Yami said, putting a hand on Yugi's shoulder.   
  
Yugi looked up at Yami, his eyes welling up. "But I can't remember my lines!!!" Yami sighed and whispered in Yugi's ear. Then both of them disappeared.  
  
Yami Bakura and Bakura stared at Yugi and Yami Yugi as they appeared in Bakura's living room, making a "pop" noise.   
  
"Ah, so it was YOU who did not give me my French fries!" Yami said, pointing at both Bakura's. "YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone backed away from Yami, blinking at him furiously.   
  
"THAT IS SOOOOO NOT IN THE SCRIPT! I'M TELLING JAMES!!!" Yugi said.  
  
"He's already been and gone. He might throw you out the window." Yami Bakura pointed out. Yami opened his mouth to speak, and then shut it.   
  
"Listen, guys. Why don't we just make some new ending for this chapter up?" Bakura asked. Everyone huddled into a circle, whispering to each other.  
  
~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~***~~~   
  
Bakura walks in, dressed as a cheerleader.  
  
Then Yami Yugi walks in, dressed like a painter.  
  
Then Yugi walks in, dressed as Tea.  
  
Then Yami Yugi walks in, dressed as Yami Bakura.  
  
Then Yami Bakura walks in, dressed as Tristen.   
  
"Hey, nice costume, Yami Bakura! But weren't you going to be the stupid, fat prop guy?" Yugi asks Yami Bakura.  
  
"Uhhh, I am, Yugi," says Yami Bakura, walking in.   
  
"Well, who's that then?" Yugi says, pointing at Tristen.  
  
"I _am_ Tristen!" Tristen says.  
  
"What are you _doing_ here?" Bakura asks Tristen, eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
"I... have no idea." Tristen says, and throws himself against the wall, falling unconscious.  
  
"Anyone call a painter?" Yami Yugi asks.   
  
"Ahhhhhhh! You're not meant to be here!" Yami Yugi screams. "IMPOSTER! IMPOSTER!!!" Everyone blinks at Yami Yugi. Then the other Yami Yugi. Then the other Yami Yugi. Then the other Yami Yugi. Then the other Yami Yugi. Then the other Yami Yugi. Then the other Yami Yugi. Then they all screamed in anguish because they blinked too much.  
  
The Yami Yugi painter guy screamed at his horrible face that he saw in a random mirror (which appeared out of nowhere, and then disintegrated again) and jumped out the window, which just so happened to be the one right next to the stupid fat prop guy's window. The only problem was that the window was good quality and made of proper glass so it didn't smash and the stupid Yami Yugi painter guy hit it and fell to the floor unconscious, landing on Tristan and annihilating Tristan's air.  
  
James popped up again, out of nowhere, to tell everyone that chapter one was over.  
  
"It's over! OVER! Over I say............" James screamed at the baka characters.   
  
Tristan woke up, and screamed like a girl again. James picked up and carelessly threw a book (from the strategically placed bookshelf,) over his shoulder, which hit Tristan's strategically placed temple, knocking him out once more. Hissing something to the YGO cast, James turned to face the camera and smiled too widely for his own good.  
  
"SEE YA NEXT CHAPTER!!!" Everyone screamded at the camera, but the problem with this was the window that wouldn't smash before smashed, along with the rest of the glass stuff in the room. Everybody blinked and stared at the Yami Yugi painter guy, who had woken up, and was then screaming endlessly, running into various portions of the wall, blindly trying to find the window. Instead, he tripped over the strategically placed censorship, which made him fly like a bird out the stupid fat prop guy's window.   
  
Everyone rushed to the window, (treading all over Tristan), to watch the Yami Yugi painter guy fall to his doom. Unfortunately for everyone but him, the Yami Yugi painter guy bounced safely to the ground off the stupid fat prop guy's fat stomach. But then a truck came and ran the Yami Yugi painter guy over. James disintegrated because he was the only one that knew the script and knew something bad was about to happen.  
  
Some random person from Final Fantasy came and used Tornado, making everyone fly out the window to their doom. And because the stupid fat prop guy had moved to eat donuts, no one could bounce safely to onto the road and get ran over by a car.   
  
~~~***~~~***~~~  
  
Next chapter: Everyone gets magically revived, Yami Yugi makes more stupid phone calls wanting to duel Kaiba, and (There's no Tristan bashing! It's Mai's turn!) Hey wait, maybe Tristan... Nah... Couldn't be! [Random voice: yeah it could!]   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!, a random Final Fantasy person, (but I own Final Fantasy! GAMES!) Or Tornado.  
  
~~~***~~~***~~~  
  
A/N: Hey, did you like the first chapter?   
  
Tristan: No! I hated it! I got bashed... *cries like a baby*  
  
James: I wonder why...  
  
Yami Bakura: HEY! *Eyes welling up* It's my job to cry like a baby! *Proceeds to do so*  
  
Everyone but Tristan and Yami Bakura: *rolls eyes*  
  
James: Anyway...   
  
Yugi: *interrupts* Do you like my shirt? ^.^  
  
YGO girls: No...  
  
Yugi: *eyes begin to well up*  
  
Yami Yugi: *whispers something in Yugi's ear*  
  
Yugi: *tears magically disintegrate* I NEVER LIKED YOU GIRLS ANYWAY!  
  
YGO girls: *run screaming out the window (it was only a first floor window this time)*  
  
Kaiba: ...  
  
Mokuba: ...  
  
Joey: Hey, James! When am I gonna be in this 'fic?  
  
James: *blinks* I dunno... *blinks more*  
  
Joey: *gives James a funny look*  
  
James: What?  
  
Joey: Nothing. Nothing at all.  
  
James: Hey, what were you guys gonna do for the end of the chapter anyway?  
  
Guys from the end of the chapter: *open mouths to speak* We... can't remember...  
  
Kaiba: What a mystery...  
  
Miscellaneous person: *pretending to be a potplant* *spying*  
  
Mokuba: I like that potplant...  
  
Miscellaneous person/ potplant: *whispers to Mokuba* Shoosh kid! I'm from Shannon's story! I'm _spying_!  
  
Mokuba: Oh ok... *realizes what she said* AAAAHHHHHH!!! JAMES! THERE'S A SPY! A SPY!!! *runs around in circles like a baffoon*   
  
James: What?!? WHERE IS IT, MOKUBA??? WHERE IS IT??? Tell me... Tell me I say... TELL ME!  
  
Mokuba: *runs out of breath and passes out*   
  
Kaiba: Damn... Can't we just find the spy next chapter? This one's _really_ long...  
  
Mai: *from god knows where* And I wasn't even in it!  
  
Everyone: *blinks*  
  
James: Nooooo... OKAY! In the next chapter we're gonna find the screwy SPY!!! (Hopefully Mokuba will be revived by then so he can tell me where the spy IS!)  
  
Everyone: *blinks* YAY!!!!!!!!!! ^.^  
  
James: Okay! Bye bye! 


End file.
